I have no idea how a person is supposed to be romantic or flirt or anything. I mean I have a boyfriend and yet still don’t know. I feel like a baby giraffe trying to transverse a muddy slope. I’m awkward, ungraceful, and overall have no idea what I’m doing. I know what personality traits I like in a person and what I like in a relationship but how to sustain a healthy relationship is something I’m still figuring out.
I’ll be honest that I did not exactly grow up with the best role models for a healthy relationship. I mostly have seen what hurts a relationship rather than what a good relationship is supposed to be like. I worry that this will either leave me on edge in relationships waiting for the bottom to drop out from under me or that it will cause me to need the relationship to work so badly that I’m not willing to let go.
My boyfriend and I have a pretty healthy one but I feel like this is almost by accident. My main worry is that if the relationship is too one-sided or someone feels like they are sacrificing too much. I also worry that my desire to make things work and investment might cause me to ignore bad parts of the relationship and therefore be blind when a relationship isn’t good for me. When does a person make the decision to let go and what exactly is a good reason to do this? Again, I must restate that I love my boyfriend and things are going well. It’s more my home life which makes me ask these questions right now.
When people get a divorce is it because the people have changed or given up or what? At what moment is enough enough? But also when things are going well, how do you prevent it from going bad? How do you maintain a relationship? The heart is a mystery to man and I don’t expect anyone to know the answers. I don’t think any answers will be in a book or anything like that but rather through experience or hopefully through my observations of other relationships which work well.
I’m a writer only because I can’t be an artist. There are so many pictures in my mind that are just waiting to be drawn or painted. Yet, when I put pencil to paper, all that comes out are words. Don’t get me wrong; they are wonderful words which taste so delicate on my tongue when read out loud. But there is no color in them. There is no immediate reaction to them of “Wow. That is beautiful”. Instead you need to spend time with the words letting them sit there on the paper streaming into your eyes before you can see how lovely they can be. This is why I have always preferred reading words out loud because at least then they are akin to music.
But oh how I long to be able to draw and paint the portraits in my mind. For example, I have had this image constantly in my brain since Freshman year of high school. I read a story in English class about a man who sees a woman and proceeds to have a daydream about her. To make a poem or piece of writing about it seems trivial. After all, it has already been put well in words. However, this short story has left me with this image which repeats itself in my brain every September.
The image is this: A pale woman wearing a grey wool pencil skirt with a white blouse. She has her hair pulled back in a bun and is wearing a red hat. She has delicate makeup besides red lipstick. In my mind her hair is always either blonde or brunette (my mind seems unable to decide which is more appropriate). She is always reading a book and leaning against a tree. There is a granite brick wall behind her with dark green ivy crawling on it. Sometimes she is eating an apple or there is an apple somewhere in the image.
For some reason this image sticks with me throughout the years. I think it is because it’s my ideal for me. It is as if I see her as this perfect woman. This is really why I would love to be an artist; In order to give this woman (this snapshot) I created in my mind a true form.
Also I’m sorry about no crocheted flowers lately. I didn’t get the chance this weekend to do it because my boyfriend and I went up to Maine to visit his friends. We went to a clam festival which also had a arts and craft fair attached. This only furthered my desire to have a booth at a craft fair or con. I have also felt a bit under the weather today for some reason. Hopefully I will find the energy tomorrow to catch up on my crochet.
Hey everyone! Long time no post I know. I got very caught up in life as usual and forgot about all you lovely folks. It’s hard being a student and a blogger at the same time. Obviously the student thing took priority. But now, summer has released me once more from nose to grindstone work.
There have been a few changes. One, my lovely boyfriend Skye entered the picture. Two, I started cosplaying with him. lol! I know. I’m such a geek.
Skye My Lovely Boyfriend
Three, my family just got a new puppy Remus and he is a ball of fun and sometimes oh okay a lot of the time mischief. But we are trying our best to train him and make him behave. Finger crossed he learns that fingers and toes aren’t toys. Ouch!
Remus The New Pup In The House
But anyhow, I’m very excited right now about a new story/novel idea. The working title is Diary of a Reaper. The point of view is from a character named Heather Turner; a reaper who in her words “just want[s] it to end”. But here’s the thing, she already died a long time ago. She left her parents and sisters grieving and went into the spirit world only to find out she has a job to do. But really, deep down, she knows it’s not a job at all but punishment. She has been at it for what she feels is an eternity; She can’t really know for sure since there is no sense of time in the realm she live within. In fact she often jumps from one time to another collecting souls for their passage to their fated position in the heavens. Where is God though? Nobody has seen God but everyday when each reaper gets their list of deaths, they get a quite literal sensation reminding them that he, she, or it is watching.