Within/Without

What happens within

Never shows without

It’s the oldest idea
Masks
Smiles
Laughs
Illusions
Secrets

When did we become so false?
Or were we always?
Hiding the hollows
Hiding the shocks

The unfortunate tune
Of a life marked by ink
I stab the pen
Bleeding my existence into the words

Will they see me now?
Will they see that I am made of black and blue?
Will they see that I feed off pain
Like a newborn feeds off sticky milk?

Why do I?
Why do I do what I never want to?
Are my goals and dreams that toxic to me?
Life should have warning labels for each action

Yet I consider myself happy
I consider myself successful
But for whom?
Not myself, Not really anyway

One day- I will spill my liquid
One day- They will see Me- only Me and My true dreams

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To My Parents- Today is Not That Day

Maybe we’ll talk to you about it someday
But today is not that day
Nor this weekend
It’s too strange to think it true yet

I thought it was inevitable anyhow
Time for you to move on
Time for you to look forward

Today is the start for both
Both being able to breathe again

Yet while one looks

Toward possibility

The other is left

alone

Fumbling for a place to be

Both will find their places
Both will find their peace

This weekend I will see you both
There will be no more secrets between us
You will know I know

Because today is that day- the day it happened to us
No more someday it will happen
Maybe we’ll talk to you about it someday
But today is not that day

I’m Serious; Never Grow Up.

“You are the chocolate chip

in the pancake of my life”

I tell him

“You’re a weirdo”

He says

“You are!”

I reply vehemently

“Sometimes I feel like a llama”

“Oh really.. I thought you were a potato”

“No that was earlier today”

“Whatever poobutt”

“You’re the poobutt!”

On a more serious note

I hope we never grow up

not really anyway

I hope our play never ceases

I hope the flame in our eyes never fades

I’m telling the truth

whenever I say

that you are the singular sweetness

in the flat plane of my existence

You are the chocolate chip in the pancake of my life

You are the chocolate chip in the pancake of my life

Autumn- The Most Favored Season

I find it very interesting that most people I meet say that their favorite season is autumn. I wonder if this is a New England thing where people here can’t help but love this season. Being a complete fall lover I understand why they love the season so much. Yet I would think there would still be more variation given that there are four seasons.

I only know of two people who I remember saying a different season for their favorite. One person I know told me they loved summer. Given their sunny and active personality I totally understood why they would love that season. A friend of mine from high school told me her favorite season was winter. I asked her why and she said she loved winter sports like sledding and playing in the snow. She even would hold a sledding party every winter.

Going back to autumn coming out as a top for favorite season, I think there are a few reason for this. One reason is that I tend to talk to people with similar interests and maybe people with certain interests tend to like certain seasons. It would make sense I would encounter more fall loving people since I love the season myself. Another reason, however, is that the climate during fall is most temperate for a lot of people. It’s not too humid or hot like summer. It is not too rainy or muggy like spring. It is not bitter cold and messy like winter. Instead the roads are in good condition, it is neither too cold nor too hot, and there is the added bonus on the holiday season starting with Halloween and then Thanksgiving. The fall leaves are beautiful as well so much so that people all over the country come to see the leaf-changing. Plus nice warm comfort food starts to be in the forefront with pie, pumpkin, soups, oven-roasted meats, mashed potato, ect.

I suppose my point is that autumn is definitely New England’s season.

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Happiness and Being a Student

Lately I have been thinking a lot about Happiness. Yes, Happiness with a capital “H”. I often wonder if I am really happy with what I am doing. Right now everything is just a means to an end; the end being a career so I can support myself in this world. It’s not so much that I hate college specifically as that I am disillusioned that my life has become school. In fact everyone’s life is school until they are at least 18 years old and since I chose to go to college it is longer. Don’t get me wrong. I love education and I love being in school and learning new things. I just have a lot of problems with how much time students (including myself) actually have for themselves.

Despite my Education teachers preaching about and having us read about better practices and how to include students in learning, I still feel all of us are missing a major piece of the problem. Kids are being allowed to be kids. I’m not being allowed to be a young adult to some extent. Instead of spending time with friends and doing fun activities during the week, I am spending my time hitting the books struggling to read about how to best teach. What if we made education about happiness instead of anything else? I mean..isn’t that everyone’s end goal here; to be happy?

I don’t really have an answer as to how we can still be intelligent human beings and also have enough free time to be happy. Maybe, the key is to make learning more fun and therefore a happy experience across all levels (this means college too), instead of something which is a means to an end. It puzzles me that I truly enjoy the subjects I am studying yet find myself restless to have social interaction beyond schoolwork related talk. Overall, I think people need to slow down and not put too many responsibilities on each other. Relaxation time is important too.

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Wishing to be an Artist/The Perfect Woman

I’m a writer only because I can’t be an artist. There are so many pictures in my mind that are just waiting to be drawn or painted. Yet, when I put pencil to paper, all that comes out are words. Don’t get me wrong; they are wonderful words which taste so delicate on my tongue when read out loud. But there is no color in them. There is no immediate reaction to them of “Wow. That is beautiful”. Instead you need to spend time with the words letting them sit there on the paper streaming into your eyes before you can see how lovely they can be. This is why I have always preferred reading words out loud because at least then they are akin to music.

But oh how I long to be able to draw and paint the portraits in my mind. For example, I have had this image constantly in my brain since Freshman year of high school. I read a story in English class about a man who sees a woman and proceeds to have a daydream about her. To make a poem or piece of writing about it seems trivial. After all, it has already been put well in words. However, this short story has left me with this image which repeats itself in my brain every September.

The image is this: A pale woman wearing a grey wool pencil skirt with a white blouse. She has her hair pulled back in a bun and is wearing a red hat. She has delicate makeup besides red lipstick. In my mind her hair is always either blonde or brunette (my mind seems unable to decide which is more appropriate). She is always reading a book and leaning against a tree. There is a granite brick wall behind her with dark green ivy crawling on it. Sometimes she is eating an apple or there is an apple somewhere in the image.

For some reason this image sticks with me throughout the years. I think it is because it’s my ideal for me. It is as if I see her as this perfect woman. This is really why I would love to be an artist; In order to give this woman (this snapshot) I created in my mind a true form.

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A Letter to the Creative People

Here is a piece of writing I quickly came up with for a professional writing class in which we have to do communiques each week. We are allowed to write about anything as long as we are conveying something through writing. So expect to see more of these. 

Dear Artists, Poets, and Creators,

I have convinced myself as of late that we creative people were not meant for this world. I say this at the risk of sounding very cheesy and airy fairy. Yet everywhere I look, we are being squashed, looked down upon, or simply shoved aside. Many times during the day I find myself either daydreaming or find my mind wander to other responsibilities.

Here’s a crazy idea, maybe society should include creativity within the classroom? Or make jobs for creative people which will allow them to have a decent life? I feel like society is under the assumption that only a few of us are sprinkled into the population and can easily find a position where we can do our work. Yet very few of us find a stable position and the large number is left to work on something less intriguing. So it’s simple. We can split our time and attention into work and creative pursuits; right?

Once we have time taken up by work and responsibilities, where is the time to be creative? Oh wait….there isn’t much time is there? I suppose there is always the option of not sleeping or slacking on work. But those aren’t very good options are they. And there is always the proverbial “If you are passionate about it then do it. Make time for it.” Ah yes thank you I will wave my magic wand and make my laundry list of responsibilities disappear…but only just as soon as my laundry is done.

Okay so the world we live in is not congruent to the dreams of the right-brained creator. But what are we supposed to do? The short answer is daydream more. The longer answer is that in our nature we want to escape from a world where we don’t fit, and in that create worlds and people of our own. Or lose ourselves in making a scarf or a piece of art. When this happens our personal worlds make more sense and then we can deal with the “real” world better. So interestingly enough the cause of the problem also becomes the solution. However, there is a logical inconsistency here. We need time to be able to breathe, slow down, and create. But that’s exactly what society is missing in their understanding of us left-handers and right-brained people; we need our creative expression like we need water, air, and food. It is not an option to ignore the voice that tells us we need to do or make something. It is not an option to ignore us any longer and for us to ignore ourselves. We need to change society and who better to do it than us creative types.

Sincerely,

Megan (fellow left-handed, right-brained, creative daydreamer)