Within/Without

What happens within

Never shows without

It’s the oldest idea
Masks
Smiles
Laughs
Illusions
Secrets

When did we become so false?
Or were we always?
Hiding the hollows
Hiding the shocks

The unfortunate tune
Of a life marked by ink
I stab the pen
Bleeding my existence into the words

Will they see me now?
Will they see that I am made of black and blue?
Will they see that I feed off pain
Like a newborn feeds off sticky milk?

Why do I?
Why do I do what I never want to?
Are my goals and dreams that toxic to me?
Life should have warning labels for each action

Yet I consider myself happy
I consider myself successful
But for whom?
Not myself, Not really anyway

One day- I will spill my liquid
One day- They will see Me- only Me and My true dreams

To My Parents- Today is Not That Day

Maybe we’ll talk to you about it someday
But today is not that day
Nor this weekend
It’s too strange to think it true yet

I thought it was inevitable anyhow
Time for you to move on
Time for you to look forward

Today is the start for both
Both being able to breathe again

Yet while one looks

Toward possibility

The other is left

alone

Fumbling for a place to be

Both will find their places
Both will find their peace

This weekend I will see you both
There will be no more secrets between us
You will know I know

Because today is that day- the day it happened to us
No more someday it will happen
Maybe we’ll talk to you about it someday
But today is not that day

I’m Serious; Never Grow Up.

“You are the chocolate chip

in the pancake of my life”

I tell him

“You’re a weirdo”

He says

“You are!”

I reply vehemently

“Sometimes I feel like a llama”

“Oh really.. I thought you were a potato”

“No that was earlier today”

“Whatever poobutt”

“You’re the poobutt!”

On a more serious note

I hope we never grow up

not really anyway

I hope our play never ceases

I hope the flame in our eyes never fades

I’m telling the truth

whenever I say

that you are the singular sweetness

in the flat plane of my existence

You are the chocolate chip in the pancake of my life

The Self-Esteem Poem

Sitting here
I can feel your voices
Overhelming my own
I wish to shout
“I have ideas too”

The loudest
always get
The attention
Even if
they don’t deserve it

How is it that
the squeaky wheel
Gets more notice
Than the mouse
Squeaking from pain

Meanwhile the mouse
Beats herself up
Her hurt self esteem
Hidden by the silence

Squeezing her open wounds
Pouring out pulp
For those whose
poor self confidence
Is masked by
their blasting boombox

Yet I Do Nothing

The reason
I pick at my acne
Until it bleeds
Isn’t a simple one

One
I hate the pressure
Under my outsides
The gnawing ache
Of my swollen pores

Two
When the liquid
the white paste
oozes out of me
I feel relief

Three
It doesn’t matter
How much the meds help
I still get the urge to
Pinch my insides out

Four
I never learned
How to keep myself smooth
At least not as smooth as I would like
Not as smooth as society tells me I should be

Five
It’s not a real problem to me
That my pain makes me feel better
Just like how I did not think
My anxiety was a problem either

But it was
And this might be
Yet I do nothing
But write this poem
And pick at my skin

The Back of My Neck

In the dorm

In the dorm
There are thin barriers
You hear every sound

You hear the girl in room D
having loud sex
With her boyfriend

You hear the girls in room A
Listening to music
Singing in the shower

You hear the girl in room B
Who told you she was in crisis
Crying with loneliness

You hear the ghost
Of the girl who died
When her car tipped on its side

Meanwhile, in room C,
You are waiting for sleep
But reality is too loud

It’s Funny

It’s funny. The need
For poetry superceeds
The need for breakfast.

Hello Again!

Yet again dear readers I have returned,

I am unsure for how long this time around. I think when I posted last I told you that I was going back to school. It seems like on break is the only free time I really get but even that is somewhat untrue. You see I have unfortunately prioritized this last which is a real loss because I truly enjoy blogging. It helps me reflect.

I have been focusing on my Etsy more than this lately since I’m still hoping to get my first sale. I recently got from a forum post I created some great answers to my questions on how to tag items effectively to increase SEO.

My Shop Banner. You like?

I also am planning on learning how to cook and possibly videotaping my attempts. I could try to reach out to the college student community on a real life level as another college student struggling to make good-tasting, cheap, and quick meals.

Another reason I have been neglecting this blog is that I’ve gotten more involved in my college community lately. I’ve been continuing with Red Skies (a journalism wordpress run by a student staff), getting more involved with the English Honors Society, and the attempt of the Education department to create a branch of FEA (Future Educators of America). Not to mention I also work 8 hours in the Writing Center as a tutor.

All of this while keeping my grades up, hanging with my boyfriend on the weekends, and trying to make more items for my Etsy.

For now dear reader I hope you have enjoyed this ramble about my life. So much has happened. It is truly exciting and bit daunting.

I wonder if you all have forgotten about me. I would not blame you but I remember some of the lovely writings, art, and other wonderful ideas we shared. I’d love to share some more!

All the Best for You and Yours,

Megan

Autumn- The Most Favored Season

I find it very interesting that most people I meet say that their favorite season is autumn. I wonder if this is a New England thing where people here can’t help but love this season. Being a complete fall lover I understand why they love the season so much. Yet I would think there would still be more variation given that there are four seasons.

I only know of two people who I remember saying a different season for their favorite. One person I know told me they loved summer. Given their sunny and active personality I totally understood why they would love that season. A friend of mine from high school told me her favorite season was winter. I asked her why and she said she loved winter sports like sledding and playing in the snow. She even would hold a sledding party every winter.

Going back to autumn coming out as a top for favorite season, I think there are a few reason for this. One reason is that I tend to talk to people with similar interests and maybe people with certain interests tend to like certain seasons. It would make sense I would encounter more fall loving people since I love the season myself. Another reason, however, is that the climate during fall is most temperate for a lot of people. It’s not too humid or hot like summer. It is not too rainy or muggy like spring. It is not bitter cold and messy like winter. Instead the roads are in good condition, it is neither too cold nor too hot, and there is the added bonus on the holiday season starting with Halloween and then Thanksgiving. The fall leaves are beautiful as well so much so that people all over the country come to see the leaf-changing. Plus nice warm comfort food starts to be in the forefront with pie, pumpkin, soups, oven-roasted meats, mashed potato, ect.

I suppose my point is that autumn is definitely New England’s season.

Romance and Love: What Heck Is It?

I have no idea how a person is supposed to be romantic or flirt or anything. I mean I have a boyfriend and yet still don’t know. I feel like a baby giraffe trying to transverse a muddy slope. I’m awkward, ungraceful, and overall have no idea what I’m doing. I know what personality traits I like in a person and what I like in a relationship but how to sustain a healthy relationship is something I’m still figuring out.

I’ll be honest that I did not exactly grow up with the best role models for a healthy relationship. I mostly have seen what hurts a relationship rather than what a good relationship is supposed to be like. I worry that this will either leave me on edge in relationships waiting for the bottom to drop out from under me or that it will cause me to need the relationship to work so badly that I’m not willing to let go.

My boyfriend and I have a pretty healthy one but I feel like this is almost by accident. My main worry is that if the relationship is too one-sided or someone feels like they are sacrificing too much. I also worry that my desire to make things work and investment might cause me to ignore bad parts of the relationship and therefore be blind when a relationship isn’t good for me. When does a person make the decision to let go and what exactly is a good reason to do this? Again, I must restate that I love my boyfriend and things are going well. It’s more my home life which makes me ask these questions right now.

When people get a divorce is it because the people have changed or given up or what? At what moment is enough enough? But also when things are going well, how do you prevent it from going bad? How do you maintain a relationship? The heart is a mystery to man and I don’t expect anyone to know the answers. I don’t think any answers will be in a book or anything like that but rather through experience or hopefully through my observations of other relationships which work well.